Why Everyone Hates Couples
The other day I looked at my boyfriend and asked him what he wanted to do for Valentines Day. “Nothing, I’m not big into Valentines Day,” he replied. At which point I burst into tears and ran out of the room, slamming the door behind me. Just kidding. No I didn’t. Because I also hate Valentines Day. Because I have been single for my whole life, this holiday conjures up images of me sitting alone on my bed watching The Great Mouse Detective and drinking Diet Coke out of a liter container, thinking about the fact that if I died at that very moment, I would not be found for days.
I know this must make me sound super bitter about Valentines Day. Which makes sense because I’m super bitter about Valentines Day. But it’s a stupid holiday, right? Why do we really need a day to celebrate couples? Aren’t they celebrated enough on a daily basis? Like in every television show, movie, and song that exists? What are single people supposed to do? Sit at adjacent tables and watch the couples sharing bowls of pasta, laughing out loud, looking longingly into each other’s eyes? Gross.
This is a rough time of the year to be single, when everything around you is telling you you’re lame for not having a partner. But I’m here to tell you the opposite. You’re lame if you have a partner. Couples are annoying. I know this because I am part of a couple and I am annoying.
You see evidence of the obnoxiousness of couples everywhere you look. The other night my boyfriend and I joined some friends for dinner at their lovely, mid-century home in the Hollywood Hills. These are the kind of guys that sort of make you gag because they’re so perfect. They’re handsome, well-educated, successful, and friendly. They invited me and my boyfriend and one other couple to dinner. To our shock, delight, and terror, the third couple that showed up turned out to be totally smarmy. They practically made out at the table and called each other pet names the whole time. They nuzzled noses and gave each other congratulatory kisses after every sentence, as if it were the most brilliant thing ever uttered. This is when I came to a realization about relationships: couples are annoying. I am annoying. I hate couples. I hate myself.
This is not to say that I don’t love my boyfriend. I very much do. In fact, every day I wake up expecting to get dumped because he puts up with so many of my shenanegins. Most of his time is spent listening to me whining about the fact that I look like a sea cucumber in Mr. Potato Head costume and that I have nothing to wear. And then he has to tell me I don’t look like a sea cucumber wearing a Mr. Potato Head costume and that I’m lucky to even have clothes. It’s a vicious daily cycle. I’d venture to guess we are just as annoying as that couple that made out at the dinner table. Or perhaps worse. It’s probable that we are the most annoying couple in the whole world.
So singles, if you are reading this, revel in the fact that you are cooler than couples. There are so many things that make couples more obnoxious than the average single person. Here is a short list of annoying things couples do: CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE READING